Welcome to the jungle, we take it day by day -Guns N’ Roses
Hey, whadda you lookin’ at? Youse reading this because youse comin’ to NYC and youse doin’ some research? Is dat your story? Whadda you writin’ a book? Make it a mystery.
Okay, first of all, we don’t all sound like that. Second of all, the quintessential New Yorker, no matter what size or shape, is a very nice person. You would be hard pressed not to find a tough looking street wise denizen who would take half a second to answer your question. However, half a second is all they got to give.
This is New York City.
I mean, look at me. I’m six feet, three inches and two hundred and sixty pounds of pure Grade A New York Teddy Bear. New Yorkers just don’t want to look stupid and they don’t want to be conned- and there’s a lot of potential for both in this town. You’ll see how they’re assessing the situation in a nanosecond as they listen to whatever you’re yakking about.
The people ride in a hole in the ground~ Gene Kelly, Frank Sinatra, Jules Munshin
Yeah, we do. Youse gotta problem wit’ dat?
I always say, “There’s no experience like experience,” but I’m going to try to show you a couple of basics as you descend into the World’s Largest Electric Train Set.
Wallet In The Front Pocket:
Do it. Don’t ask questions. The subways get really crowded, almost Tokyo crowded, and you won’t even know which arm is yours.
Zippers Are Meant To Be Zipped:
Back packs, purses, whatever... I'm not trying to harp on the pickpocket angle here. I also know that things slip out. Whereas you’ll see that 99% of New Yorkers will yell at you that you dropped something, we can’t be everywhere. Don’t find yourself in that slow motion movie scene where you walk out of the subway car only to realize something is on the seat you were sitting on... just as the door is closing. Lots of luck getting it back. It’s off to Far Rockaway.
The Infamous ‘Map’ Seat:
Everybody likes the ‘end’ seat. The seat near the door. I don’t really know why. Maybe it’s because then you’re not crammed in between two people. You are, however, then crammed between somebody sitting next to you and somebody standing next to you.You will see, though, how coveted the ‘end’ seat is. People scoot down to claim it as soon as it’s vacated.
Well, whatever the value, every silver lining has a cloud around it. On every subway car one of the ‘end seats’ is also a ‘map’ seat. That means there’s a map of the subway system right behind your head. Half the time even the seasoned subway warrior will inadvertently sit in the map seat just because it was an ‘end’ seat.
The map is no bigger than the folding map you can get most places. In fact, I think it is a folding map. This is so that it’s impossible for anybody to read it without bending down and putting their face right next to yours. It’s very disturbing in a town where personal boundaries are a day-to-day battle.
Why we don’t have bigger and more accessible maps on the cars is a mystery. Why not the whole double door as a mural? Why not the ceiling? Only Spider Man would be blocking it. Some cars have the route of that specific train on two cross beams at either end of the car. Still not helpful unless you’re within a couple of feet.
Some of the newer cars have as many as four very helpful computerized route displays running the length of the car. I’m sure this must have made the MTA financial department have a cow, as these great aids take the space of many potential billboard strips. Personally, I think we can get by without another full car beer, sneaker and/or candy bar campaign.
I would like to take this moment to personally thank the producers and publicists of the musical play Mama Mia! Do you know what they’ve done? Everybody knows about this play by now, so they’ve used their advertising budget to basically put extra subway maps along the platform, with a humble plug for Mama Mia! along the top.
Thank you, Mama Mia!. Thank you, Benny. Thank you, Bjorn. Good night, John Boy.
Give ‘Em An Inch:
When a train is pulling into the station, don’t stand close enough to get whacked, okay?
However, as it’s just about to grind to a stop, stand as close as you safely can. If you don’t, somebody behind you will shove right between you and the car, never thinking twice they did something wrong or rude.
The Secret Smudge Of The Ancient Knights Of Subwarius:
Thousands of years ago, long before the Knights Templar and the Manechean Order, a secret society calculated where, many years in the future, every door to every subway car would stop. They marked these places with a subtle discoloration along the yellow edge of the platform.
Actually, it’s just that the doors pretty much always open in the same spot, so that part of the platform edge is more scuffed and tracked than the rest.
Stand And Deliberate:
Tourism is supposed to be the economic life blood of this city. They always say that and I’ve never seen a dime. You gonna come visit? Come visit. Nice to see you.
But, one last thing- I know you’re going to get a little confused. I know you’re going to have to consult your guide book. I know you’re going to have to peer down the platform to see which stairway leads to what.
But, for the love of Sam Wheat, Crocodile Dundee and the Warriors, do not stand at the top or the bottom of the stairway. This is dumb. This is inconsiderate This will probably get you to really hear what a pissed off New Yorker really sounds like.
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